the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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