Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize