They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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