WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
