im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize