whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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