I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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