good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize