Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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