Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
