That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
