Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
