I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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