So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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