ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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