Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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