I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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