so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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