Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
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