Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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