what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
