I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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