What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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