Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
