??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
