my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
