I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
