this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
