when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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