Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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