when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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