could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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