One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
