There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
