The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
