do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
