mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
