I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
