Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just want nice things and good sex
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
