turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
