I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize