im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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