it's too hot outside to masturbate.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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