I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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