thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
