the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
