i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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