Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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