I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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