I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I enjoy the company of your penis
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
