i jhust puked up my retainher.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
