Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
