This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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