dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
