When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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