Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
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