pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize