We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
