her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize