someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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