He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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