Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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