oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i came on her dog
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
