I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
